A year ago, I had the last drop of alcohol, a glass of bourbon on a southwest flight coming back to Denver from Mexico. I said goodbye to my old friend – Alcohol. A friend that helped me hide under its blanket.
Like many musicians I fell right into the image that a rockstar has: you party, you play, you party, play and then party some more.
You don’t even need to have all the fame and fortune to do all these, it’s just there, waiting, the musician’s dimension.
Growing up I had many idols, bands I looked up to. Metallica, Zeppelin, Pantera, Hendrix… You name it. Sounded like so much fun to live that life, careless, wild and glamorous.
Little did I know the price you pay to sustain that lifestyle. Broken hearts, broken families, wasted days, depression, disconnection from truth, the list goes on and on… your darkest trades, your shadows come out when you let alcohol be your guide.
I have many stories of random acts of drunkenness and yes, some are hilarious, Epic nights, laughter. Some are sad, all of it.
So many lessons were learned and now as I look back I know I wasn’t honoring who I really am. I was honoring a false image, a manufactured character in the artist world, at least in my perspective. I was fulfilling what we all think it is to be an artist.
Now, a year after cleaning up. I’m discovering who I really am… or at least building a new me.
The first 2 months I faced so much pain. I faced what my actions have created. The cause and effect.
I realized I was aimlessly shooting my life to wherever my arrow would land (if that makes any sense). Sounds dramatic and it was. I consider myself an alcoholic and that was a harsh truth to really accept. I faced so much pain I caused others and worse, that I caused myself.
I didn’t know how to have fun or how to relate to others to have fun. I’m still discovering what is it that I like to do (besides the obvious – Music).
Since then I have been practicing new habits, healthier habits that are enriching my life, my relationships and even better, enriching my music. I feel more connected to myself and others, my intuition is stronger than ever, I can manage my emotions a bit better and on top of all that, I’m becoming a better Dad!! Each day I have to remind myself why I’m doing this. To be the example of action and embodiment of good acts for Olivia.
Every day I have to pray for strength and focus to transform old patterns and the courage to create good new patterns. To not fear what’s ahead in my life.
We live in a world that is constantly wanting to escape, avoiding ones emotions, thoughts or whatever it is. We just avoid it.
The majority is living a life that is not happy with, so we drink, so we use drugs… it’s a lot “easier to feel happier” that way. Yet is not the truth and even worse it drifts us even farther from the real place where we can find all the beauty, peace and love we crave.
I’m glad I woke up. Not too late.
Thank you for reading